Thoughts on Greetings
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I always smile when I hear my charge nurse greeting our patients. I can hear her voice down the hall, “Hannah! I am so glad to see you today. What a treat!” She genuinely means this and it shows. It is huge for a tired mama who was up all night with a sick baby to feel acknowledged. It sounds simple and on many levels it is. But it gets to the heart of a much deeper truth: we all want to know we are seen.
The importance of a warm greeting can not be underestimated. We recognize what it feels like to be genuinely welcomed. A smile and a kind word can go so far. The opposite is also true. It can feel awkward and uncomfortable to not be greeted or to feel like the person you are with is not excited to see you. This is true in professional and personal settings. It is true for children and for adults. The power of greetings is universal.
So, knowing how valuable greeting people is, what do you do when your child doesn’t seem to acknowledge people? When saying hello feels uncomfortable or unimportant to them? This can be absolutely normal behavior – kids are often overwhelmed, excited or shy in new settings. But for kiddos on the autism spectrum or who struggle with social anxiety, it can be a much larger issue.
Role play has been instrumental in our family. There have been seasons where we’ve literally had our kiddos practice over and over again. They’d knock on the door, enter and say “Hi!” with eye contact and a smile. To make it fun we’d call it “The Greeting Game!” and they’d earn prizes (aka bribes). This may sound silly but repetition is huge. We know that repetition is important in other types of learning – in reading and in practicing math facts, for example. But I think we often forget that it’s equally or even more important in teaching social skills.
We also changed our language. I hated feeling like I was nagging them constantly to do something that I knew was challenging. We reframed it so that instead of making them feel bad about not greeting someone, we helped them realize how good it feels to make someone feel special. We worded it like this, “When you say hi to someone it helps them feel important! When we don’t greet a person, they might feel invisible or confused.” The subtle change in our approach made a big difference. It never ceases to amaze me how small shifts in thinking and language can empower kiddos and families. I absolutely love the book, The Invisible Boy, which uses similar language. It’s perfect for kids (4-9 years old!) to help them visualize the value of greeting and acknowledging people. You can learn more about this book here.
I also created incentive charts and encouraged our kids to “Help Someone Feel Important!” They could earn stickers for greeting people we’d run into throughout the day. As they’ve gotten older, we’ve had to sweeten the pot a bit as they are not so motivated by stickers anymore. Now they work towards things like a special ice cream treat or a new Lego set when they’ve filled up a chart. The charts that we’ve used focus on three important parts of greeting – eye contact, a smile and a wave. I’ve included a link here where you can learn more and download charts for your own family to use.
We also made it a priority to greet one another. Even now, every evening when dad’s car pulls in, we all stop what we’re doing. I make sure no one is distracted and we all greet him. It feels good to be welcomed whether you are four or 40. Even though we’ve been doing this for years, I still often have to remind the kids, “Okay! Dad’s pulling in! Let’s make sure he feels important and special when he comes in!” Some days it works beautifully. Some days it’s a forced struggle. Either way, we are planting seeds. Sometimes that’s all you can hope for!
Whether it’s a charge nurse greeting a tired mama, kiddos welcoming home a parent after work or parents offering a warm good morning hug to our kids when they wake up – it feels good to be seen, valued and important. I hope these tools and tips are helpful to your family!