Thoughts on Living Loved

I have no doubt that in about 20 years I will hear from my children about the shortcomings of my parenting techniques.  I also have no doubt that they will never say to me that they wish they hadn’t been told so many times that they were loved.  There are so many ways in which my parenting is evolving and growing right alongside my children, but this is the steady constant.  If I had to choose only one thing that my children would leave our home knowing it is that they are deeply and fully loved - just as they are.  When parenting insecurities start to creep in, I come back to this truth. 

I love how Brene Brown words it, “Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and you are lovable.”  You can see her Wholehearted Parenting Manefesto here.  Be warned, it may make you cry.  It is beautiful.

When my twins started kindergarten, I felt the classic overwhelm of “have I done enough?!”  The infant and toddler years feel so long but then, suddenly, they are over and our kids were out in the world without us.  The young years are physically demanding on parents but the older years bring more emotional angst.  I don’t have teenagers yet but I’m pretty sure this will increase exponentially the older kids get. 

To fight this overwhelm I started a ritual with our kids to bring them (and me!) back down to the basics.  I made a sign to hang on the back of their bedroom doors and the back of our front door that simply says “You are loved” ten times over.  As we are walking out the door, my mom mind is often spinning with ideas for social skills and coping techniques for bullying and did they study their spelling list this week?  You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved.  This simple reminder brings us back to the basics before we enter the world.  It calms them and it calms me. You can grab these for your own home for free here.

These printable sheets are also available in an editable version where you can add your child’s name to the header to personalize their sign. My kids love having their own name on their signs. You can find these here.

We have also incorporated this as part of our go-to calm down technique.  For this I changed the wording to “I am loved.”   I’ve found that when we lose our cool or say words we don’t mean, we begin to internalize shame.  “How did I yell at them again?!  What is WRONG with me?!”  Or for them, “Why did I lie again?! I’m a terrible kid!”  It is my deepest hope that by repeating “I am loved” as a tool to calm down, my kids will internalize that even in our moments of deep regret or shame, we are still loved.  I have them take ten deep breaths with me and repeat ten times, “I am loved.  I am loved.  I am loved”

 I will let you know if 20 years of this is actually effective.  But I believe with my entire being that if our children can learn to live loved, the rest will take care of itself.